The Weight of Failure IS Heavy -But The Weight of Cowardice is Unbearable.
I’m staring fifty years old right in the face. Fortunately, I’m twice the man I was when I was thirty. I’m bigger, faster and stronger than I was 10 years ago. But the truth is: I’m not. And it is eating away at my ego. Which is remarkable, as I have an ENORMOUS EGO.
I work with far more firefighters who are in their twenties and thirties rather than their forties. Actually, forty is starting to look young to me. The older I get, it seems to me the more I am “failing.” And the younger guys are KICKING MY ASS.
I’m writing this shortly after completing an intensely physical fire ground course (Combat Test, CPAT - whatever you want to call it - the name is not important). I finished the course. I finished it with a solid time. It was also done off-the-record. It was strictly for bragging rights. No brass was involved.
But, I did not meet the goals I had set for myself. FAIL. The guy I was competing with (yes, he was a younger man) destroyed me on the stop watch. FAIL. I did not win. FAIL. I am not the best. FAIL.
It all erodes the ego. It also triggers the following internal dialogue:
The weight of failure IS heavy. No doubt about it. But you’re not a slacked-jawed bitch. Learn from it. Fix it. Lift it. Run it. Condition it. Train it. Practice it. Move past it. It requires work, discipline and some personal accountability.
You’re still old, but you’re still working.
However, there is an easier alternative. Simply avoid the exercise. Explain to everyone how the practice has catastrophic shortcomings. Belittle anyone else who does the evolution. Call in sick on a shift that the training is scheduled. You’ll never have to expose your weakness to anyone ever again. No big deal.
But now you’re a COWARD. Go get yourself assigned to the slowest station in the city. Sit in the kitchen and bitch about everything that is wrong with your agency. Avoid any type of continuing education, training or practice. When you’re on scene, stand there with a hook in your hand (it’s the longest tool on the rig, and is really nice to lean on) and just fade off to the side. No one will care. Because you’re worthless. As a matter of fact: they prefer you standing off to the side - over there you won’t kill anyone.
They don’t count on you at all, because YOU ARE A COWARD. SHIT. How did you get here?
The weight of failure is heavy. It’s not fatal, and is overcome with the currency of our trade: work. The weight of cowardice? I don’t know how any firefighter can carry it.